A modest compromise on bathrooms

by Dom Decinti

Politics and legislation is about compromise, but you wouldn’t know it by listening to today’s college students. The NCAA, the NBA, and huge chain multinational corporations all shout about how the world should turn in the direction they want. But nonetheless, we must compromise to achieve any success in the American experiment. So when a debate arises, we must work to the middle of the discussion. If there are a majority of Republicans in an area, like the U.S. House and Senate for example, resolutions should lean right, but still be approved by a few reasonable people on the Left. The Left moves more authoritarian by the day, and discussion is shut down time and time again. North Carolina is a shining example of this.

Bills regarding transgender bathrooms, such as HB2, are about the defense of the privacy of bathrooms. No woman wants me to be in their bathroom after a cup of coffee for breakfast and Mexican food for lunch. Nor would a woman want to be in the men’s room at Heinz Field, which is just a trough that men gather round in and make inappropriate jokes. Spoiler alert, men make bad jokes when they are in private. Why would anyone of the other gender want to subject themselves to having their private moments disturbed by the opposite gender?

But we live in a brave new world where social norms are being destroyed by people who have nothing better to do than to rabble rouse. And in the name of compromise, I must appease them and come to an agreement we all would like. So, my modest proposal on transgender bathroom bills is that we destroy the “men’s room” and “women’s room,” renaming them the “penis room” and the “vagina room”. 

I’ll speak to the far left first. Children typically have lower attention spans, and I don’t want to lose them. Unfortunately, there is a segment of the left that wants to destroy the innocence of children. This perversion of childhood is evident in leftist websites like Salon.com and the forums that are meant to humanize the monsters that want to lurk under children’s beds and possibly in their bathrooms. These pedophile defenders would love nothing more than to have children talking about genitalia as soon as children say their first words. Of course, their only disdain to this proposal would be that they can’t follow the children of their choosing into the bathroom.

Now to a more reasonable group on the Left, those that say that gender is a social construct. For one, gender really isn’t a social construct – it’s backed by biological sex – but let’s assume gender is a social construct. The term “men’s room” is a bathroom for males, not penises. So if I think I am a man, I will use the “men’s room”. My genitals do not determine my gender (it’s 2017!). So once we call bathrooms the “penis room” and “vagina room”, the concept of gender is further destroyed. We move closer to the genderless society so desired. It would also allow those that are confused as to the concept of gender versus identity to find the right bathroom for them.

Before I continue on to my friends on the right, I want to apologize to my libertarian viewers. I did not really formulate an argument for you all, because I assumed that you did not care either way as long as the government stays out of your life. So again, I apologize.

Now to my Conservative allies, WE HATE GOVERNMENT LEGISLATION. The government has messed up everything they have ever done. People are at their best when government stays out of their hair. And yes, I know, we respect, cherish, and desire to preserve the innocence of children. But, we have to compromise, just like the perverts at Salon.com. So let’s not regulate the bathrooms, but encourage social change and rename them instead. 

We must find compromise in the modern era to achieve the change we want to see. Left, right, or confused, we must come together. As a Trump supporter, it is my job to reach out to you.  To the losers, it is your job to be open-minded to us. So, I propose that we change the name of bathrooms to “penis room” and “vagina room.” Both those on the political left and right can find compromise and work to a solution.